Toilet Paper is Hard to Write On (and other helpful advice)
This is a revelation to me. Or maybe I already knew it but forgot. That happens a lot lately.
I guess it might be because I don’t often have the need to write on toilet paper.
Maybe because unlike most every poor woman in those cheesy Made for TV movies, I’ve never been abducted by a bad man and dragged across the country in a strange car and had to talk my captor into letting me use the restroom at an out of the way gas station in the desert where I had to try to write a “HELP ME! I’m being kidnapped and the license plate number is …” note on toilet paper with an eyebrow pencil and then throw it out the window in hopes that the station attendant will find it and call the police before it gets blown into a sage brush and mistaken for a used wad of paper someone left there in the middle of the night because the restroom door was locked and all this because there was no mirror in the bathroom and I don’t carry lipstick in my purse so that wasn’t even an option.
But today I was stuck in my own bathroom for way longer than I expected, and of course I didn’t bring my phone in with me because I like to fancy myself superior to all those people who can’t leave their phone out of sight for even a quick duck into the loo. But then when the quick duck turned into a more prolonged visit I was sorry I hadn’t brought my phone with me because now I couldn’t browse real estate ads for homes I’ll never be able to afford. Or scroll through Pinterest ideas on how to make stunning bathroom organizers out of card board boxes, recycled bits of wrapping paper and washi tape. And I didn’t even have a notebook in there next to that pen on the counter top because I was being fastidious last week and put it back beside the computer. Dumb ass.
So when I decided I should be more productive and write a poem or a blog post instead of wishing I was at least browsing through that Lands End Fall 2018 catalog I found on the floor next to the toilet and then threw into the recycling bin last week…dumb ass, I decided that I could use toilet paper to write on, because it is, after all, paper.
Except that it really isn’t or at least isn’t paper that is useful for purposes of writing anything on, unless it’s an emergency “HELP ME” note. And if you are writing it with eyebrow pencil I hope it has a built in sharpener and you aren’t long winded like me and can keep it short and to the point or you’re pretty much already a rotting corpse in the desert darling I am so sorry to inform you.
So I tried to write on toilet paper. Which is a pain in the a$$ because it’s soft and flexible, which is great if you are using it for it’s intended purposes, but it sucks to write on. You have to smooth it out on a flat surface and use your thumb and forefinger to keep it taught so that the pen can glide over the surface without skipping and it buckles and tears and is pretty useless as a vehicle for recording your thoughts on.
But by all means keep a little wad in your purse at all times, ladies, because you never know when you might need it.
And carry lipstick even if you never wear it. In case there is a mirror in that desert gas station restroom.
I may have just saved your life.
My work for today is done!