Life After Sixty: Idle Threats

The other day I told the old man to take his shoes off before clopping around the house or I would cut his feet off.

He is used to me making threatening remarks like this and probably just writes it off to my Sicilian/Slovak heritage.

Plus he knows I could never do that to him. I don’t have proper tools for amputating human limbs. Tree limbs, yes, but not husband limbs– unless…hmmm.

I’m glad nobody else can hear the way I talk to the old man, although Cosmo is usually around somewhere, listening, which might explain why he’s always watching me with a worried expression on his face.

I know a couple of times when my father in law was alive and stayed with us he kind of gave me some looks. He just didn’t understand the banter between his son and I. I hope he didn’t lie awake at night too much wondering when I was going to butcher his boy in his sleep for leaving his fingernails on the end table again.

I could never do that. I don’t even own a meat saw for goodness sake.

If I really think about it, I am constantly threatening him.

Take off your shoes or I’ll cut your feet off.

Sit down and eat or I’ll stab you with this meat fork.

Listen to me once in a while or I’ll stuff fire crackers in your ears and light em.

I’m not quite sure why I have such a macabre way of talking to my husband. Maybe it’s the Sicilian thing or all the Edgar Allen Poe I read as a young wife. I do know that it never seems to phase him.

Because he knows the threats are idle and the worst I will do in the end is maybe bitch a little while I’m vacuuming up his messy end table–granola bar wrappers, crumbs and a couple of torn fingernails this week.

If we ever run out of food due to nuclear holocaust, at least I will know where to forage for bits of protein and fiber.

All in all, I think we have a pretty good relationship.

I’d like to think it’s because he really loves me and values our relationship and still thinks he got a good deal when he hooked up with me. He isn’t the kind of guy who is inclined to talk about his feelings much, so I can only assume these things.

Then again, he might just be scared shitless.

Copyright 2019 by Ilona Elliott

The Author (on the right)

• Posted in: Humor
• Tagged: Communication skills, Edgar Allen Poe, Humor, Love and Marriage, relationships