A Van Named “Christine?”
Life after Sixty
The old man and I have known each other for forty five years now.
I’m still waiting for some kind of award or something.
Maybe a round of applause.
Anything?
Anyways…
You think you know someone pretty well after being around them that long.
But the thought that I don’t know him as well as I think I do occurred to me the other day as I looked over his shoulder while he was watching a video on the laptop.
The video was instructing him how to deep clean a windshield.
Which might not seem unusual to you except we are talking about the same man who uses a dirty damp wash cloth to wipe the water splashes off the bathroom mirror. As if…
This is also the same man whose shop floor is covered in a sea of debris that might some day dwarf the Pacific Garbage Island that has been in the news a lot lately.
The same man who once jumped up from the floor where he was hugging, petting and rolling around with our malamute/border collie mix, (that used to be me, just saying) and ran to my aid to grab a cake that was breaking as I was trying to remove it from it’s pan.
The only thing that stopped him from putting his big fuzzy Fang paws right on that semolina sheet cake was the blood curdling scream I produced when I saw those fuzzy Fang paws within a few inches of it.
I think I screamed something like:
“Don’t touch my cake! Look at your hands! They’re covered in dog fur! OH MY GOD! Go wash your hands for blanks sake.”
Which saved the cake from harm but not his self esteem. He shuffled off sheepishly to the bathroom to wash his hands. The one with the streaky mirror.
I know. I’m mean. He was only trying to help.
But you get the drift. He’s no Suzy Homemaker.
So the other day when I saw him watching that “deep cleaning a windshield” video, my eyes kind of narrowed.
I may have walked away cursing under my breath.
Because I realized something.
He’s having an affair.
He’s been acting funny for like a year now.
He’s been spending a lot of time online.
He’s been spending a lot of money online.
He’s been spending a lot of money, time and energy.
Making love to:
an automobile.
Ever since we bought our Road Trek camper van so we could be air conditioned gypsies again and not be tied down to towing a trailer, he’s been acting like a nineteen year old in love. And he’s gone full on Stepford on me.
He keeps that thing cleaner than any vehicle I have ever known him to own. And we met when he was nineteen, so I know how he acted in love at nineteen and I have been around most of his vehicles. Believe me, they weren’t clean.
For whatever reason, this one’s different.
He washes, buffs, polishes and preens over that thing like a narcissistic peacock preening it’s feathers.
And he works on it all the time.
He’s cleaned and conditioned the leather seats.
He’s buffed out the headlight lenses and made them shine like the sun again.
He’s replaced so many parts and made so many upgrades I just close my eyes and pay the VISA without asking questions anymore, because, apparently, that vehicle is his baby.
His attention towards it is as constant as the northern star…
And I haven’t heard him cooing the name Christine yet as he’s buffing the back bumper so I think we are okay.
And I don’t mean to complain.
Maybe I do.
Maybe I’m a little jealous.
Silly I know.
But somebody might want to tell him for me:
You can order flowers online now!
Just don’t tell him I told you so.
Copyright 2019 by Ilona Elliott
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- Posted in: Humor
- Tagged: Humor, Lifestyles, relationships, Senior Humor, Senior Living
Rainy Day Writing 
If I had a nickle for every time I heard, “I was only trying to help…”
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I know. I had several ruined wool skirts when I used to work and he did some laundry. But he really is a peach and takes my ribbing pretty well, and he is a really good cook when he is in the mood to do it, so he’s a keeper.
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An expensive new toy grabs the male attention span, speaking from experience lol. On the plus side he is keeping his baby like new and will probably insist he do all the maintenance!
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Dave he did a lot of online dating, I mean searching, looking for this thing and I am just glad he found one that makes him happy. It is actually a great little camping vehicle and I couldn’t be happier with it also.
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that is the funniest thing I have read for a long time I LOVE the way you write, so funny, its like having a conversation with you in the same room. Keep them coming, please and if he suddenly calls you Christine – then RUN!
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He’s a funny guy. Lots of material here, lol. Thanks Beach Fairy!
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Happy 45th! Yesterday was Hubs and mine 46th anniversary! We met on August 22, 1973. I was 19 and he was 22. We were in a cafeteria line at the Student Union at the University of Arizona waiting for lunch. And for the next 46 years, food has continued to define our relationship! Ha!
And you are right – even after all those years, we still really don’t know what’s going on in their little gray cells! Your guy is into the camper van; Hubs is into learning about climate change (that kinda came out of left field, but it’s a worthy pursuit!) My quandary is – deep clean a windshield?? How does that work?? Inquiring minds….
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I suspect it entails some special equipment, polishing creams and buffing equipment at the very least. Like I said, I just close my eyes and pay the Visa bill.
And I am loving that your husband is studying climate change. Being an educated citizen is always better than having a position on something you don’t understand. He sounds like an interesting guy.
And Happy Anniversary! That is wonderful.
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you are so witty! You never fail to make me chuckle.! Happy camping!!
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Thank you Michele. We are truly enjoying Christine!
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I love this!
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Thank you for letting me know Chocoviv!
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You’re welcome 😇
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Love them and suffer them and love them some more. Tears? Laughter? Lord Almighty, forty-five? That’s amazing. We just don’t get it sometimes so a Kenworth dump truck of flowers from Good but Congenitally Clueless and Lost in Thoughts Men Remediation and Restorative Services Inc. back up to the yard, deposit one humongous satiny pile to the order of one funny, passionate Ilona Elliott. We got hitched when we were still young-uns, we’re only on twenty-five. Have to pay extra attention to everything you have to say on the subject, for sure. Hope you had a good August, it was a lovely one in the PNW for sure. Any particular, recent favorite trips in the Road Trek?
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Ha! TF that made me laugh. Great visual. So our wedding anniversary is 41 this October, but we dated for five years, so I
have actually been with this man for 46 years! We got married young too so it’s kind of nice because you grow up together, you know what I mean? Anyways, have a great Autumn, and yeah, we have been to the N. Cascades in July and to the beach at Marrowstone for a couple of overnighters and hoping for a colorado adventure this fall but it’s kind of no plan, just go when we can and where we can. That’s why we love this new rig! We feel set FREE, she said in her best Frau Blucher voice.
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