Rainy Day Writing

Writing, Reading, Inspirations and Aspirations

Let Go My Ego

I’ve been trying to get some spiritual work done lately. It’s not going great.

I’m not talking about meditating, levitating, studying scripture or attending religious meetings five nights a week.

And no, I won’t be ascending any staircases on my knees next month in Italy either.

I just want to murder my ego. I want it dead as a door nail.

I want it to stop following me around all day making me expect special treatment–like pretty birthday cards from my old man, foot massages and good customer service from Tracfone.

Leave me alone you nasty ego.

You make me say assanine things on Facebook.

You make me angry when I don’t get the reaction from people that I want.

You make me feel embarrassed over things that happened decades ago.

You make me whine like a baby when I’m hot and tired and dirty and just want a bath but it’s only 2:30 in the afternoon and I’m no where near done working in the yard yet.

You make me act like people I don’t like.

You make me have a meltdown in a smokey I-84 rest area because I have to sleep there in 100 degree heat and I’m hot and tired and dirty and just want a bath, like every other poor soul stuck there, and there are plenty, because they can’t find a room or a campsite, or because they are homeless and sleep there every damned night but I have to act like some privileged old white lady with her first world problems and have a bitch fit…because of you.

Damn you ego, you did that to me.

I dislike you immensely.

Like I said, it’s not going so well.

But I’m working on it.

I’ll get that bitch yet.

And I’m open to suggestions.

Me and Cosmo

The Author (on the right)

 

 

 

 

10 Comments

  1. Smiling. Love this post. Reminds me of:

    “I struggle against myself, I attack myself, I accuse myself, I defend myself.”

    Hélène Cixous, from an interview featured in the introduction of The Selected Plays of Hélène Cixous

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anonymous

    Love your writing…and I love the bitch too. Ego is a problem for women. Many women do not have enough ego and need to learn to be more bitchy! Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. It’s a struggle to get beyond self and still maintain a healthy sense of self value, if that makes any sense.

      Like

  3. Ego is like everything else – it is of necessity both light and dark. You need your ego to help you survive and give you the affirmations that you need in this harsh world. You ARE deserving of respect and love and wholeness. Your ego is telling you not to accept anything less. But sometimes you need to tell it that others are imperfect and don’t always live up to what they should. Then she needs to “adjust”. Some of what you describe is just part of being a human being. I am not reading that you expect MORE than any body else because you feel like you are entitled to it, like you are inherently better than they are. That would be a problem. So you may need to tweek some things (a lifetime process) but don’t be too hard on that bitch. She’s trying to get it right – she just needs some “redirection” at times.

    And I’m dying to hear the I-84 rest area story…

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s a question of balance is what I hear everyone saying. I just don’t want to be a whining baby about anything since I have so many blessings AGMA. Thanks for your thoughtful response. Maybe I will write a post about our roadtrip from hell, lol.

      Like

  4. that is a battle for me too! Being human is tricky. What I have seen from you, however is that you are good at it. We would all complain about unpleasant conditions and guilt is a hateful thing, even from seasons long ago, as you said. Take heart, my friend, for tomorrow is another day . . .i am cheering you on!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You know that popular trope with the angel and devil on our shoulders? Well, I’m imagining yours dirty and tattered, pushing and shoving and locked in the most ridiculous, see-saw battle of wits and double entendre with each other. You’re good, funny and so grounded, Ilona. It seems to me, ego is the least of your problems. Your bullshit filter is just really clogged from a lifetime, that’s all! I always love how you call it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the vote of confidence TF. You lifted me up tonight when I was feeling a little low.

      Liked by 1 person

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