Online Dating:Who Ya Gonna Call?
Have you noticed all the specialized dating web sites available now? There are sites for single parents, single Jews, single Blacks, single Christians, single Seniors, single professionals, just about every kind of single. And of course, there are even “dating sites” for non-singles. The latter have naughty sounding names like Hush Affairs, Discreet Encounters and my favorite–Find New Passions, which kind of makes committing adultery sound like nothing more than finding a new hobby. Sorry honey, but I was kinda bored and it’s winter and all so gardening was out of the question…
I find it all rather interesting, in a disturbing kind of way. I mean do folks really want to date only people who fit nicely into a narrow profile, one very similar to their own? Yeah, they probably do. But where’s the sense of adventure? Who is gonna date the Ted Bundy’s of the world now? What will ladies talk about with their girlfriends over wine?
With so many online sites, you can choose a date based on age, interests, occupations, religious affiliation, race, gender and a host of other criteria. Here are some of the sites I found online just waiting to hook people up with their “perfect” match:
There’s the Our Time site for folks over fifty. I think they should call it “Our Limited Time” don’t you? And for the AARP connected singles, they have partnered with a site called How About We. AARP members get a free seven day trial, so if you’ve got your mojo on, you might find a mate for free–but probably not, if your old enough to be a card carrying member of the AARP. We all start getting those annoying AARP offers in the mail a couple of years before we turn 50, as if we need weekly reminders of our impending mortality, but nobody really joins until they’re 65 and need a Medicare supplement plan to carry them through the golden years, which are actually more like the trudging through the dismal swamp to Mordor years, but we won’t talk about that. Much too morbid.
Farmers Only is a dating website for lonely farmers, probably seeking women with low functioning olfactory organs who somehow manage to look like rodeo queens twenty four hours a day, even while scraping shit off cleated boots with an old butter knife, (if you believe their TV ads.) Their logo states that “CITY FOLKS JUST DON’T GET IT.” I’m not sure what IT refers to, but it’s possible we do smell IT, which is a problem for some ladies, so maybe they really do need their own special site.
There is also a site for ranchers called Date A Cowboy. It’s for women who like men that don’t talk much but grunt a lot. I assume that ladies who search this site are screened to insure that they can handle a full day in the saddle, ahem, riding bare back, side saddle, or Western, but definitely not English. According to the site, cowboys are “a little ruff but have a lot of love to give.” Since the the definition of ruff is “a projecting or conspicuous ring of feathers or hair around the neck of a bird or mammal” they better have a lot of love to give to make up for that rather unpleasant feature. That does explain the whole kerchief around the neck thing though.
Then there’s Elite Singles, for people who fancy themselves as elite singles. The site claims to help members find matches that “live up to their standards” and “love that won’t compromise their ambitions”. Obviously these are people who don’t get the whole George Bailey–It’s a Wonderful Life thing. You know, the ones that root for Potter. I’ll bet the site has a great resource for Pre-Nup agreements though. It all sounds positively Pride and Prejudice-like to me, but hey, I wouldn’t want a screw-off like myself sneeking a date with me if I were an actual professional with a promising career and prospects for the future. I mean, I have even been known to shoot wine out of my nostrils in fancy restaurants and stuff. So unprofessional.
Another site for professional singles is Professional Match, which offers “curated matches for singles.” So busy professionals, the kind who depend on designers to “curate” their paintings and throw pillows, can now access a similar service for curating date mates: I’d really prefer something from the blue eyed/ash brown collection, modern lines but not too sparse, and definitely no chunky legs.
Artist Friends Date is a free service for singles who love art! I’m not sure if they categorize applicants by style, but I could see a problem if you consider Thomas Kincaid a master artist and your date is more of a Munch fan. And everybody knows the majority of artists are poor, so this site is free! Gotta love those artsy liberals.
Writers Passions is a site for writers. After all, we writers are an often silent, moody, kind of creepy lot, at least when we are trying to create, so who would understand that better than a fellow writer? Personally, being married to a guy who can stare at a muted TV screen for seven or eight hours at a stretch without requiring my company has worked really well for me. As a matter of fact he’s doing that right now as I write! I don’t think I could stand living with a writer anyways.
If you are a pet lover like me, there are numerous sites for you. Pet People Meet, Date my Pet, Love me Love my Pet–those are all pretty straight forward sounding–if you don’t love pets, don’t waste my time. This one actually makes sense to me. I am an art lover, a writer, a music lover, and a nature lover, but the one love I have that would be most crucial to me to share in a potential mate, is dog love. After all, you are asking someone to love your room mate, the one that doesn’t work, sheds, poops in the yard, has bad breath, and refuses to share the couch with them, or the one that poops in a box, coughs up hairballs, urinates in the kitchen sink and shreds the furniture, so it’s probably a teensy bit optimistic to think “Why wouldn’t he love this fur ball as much as I do?” Best to get that out of the way right off the bat. And then there are people who have exotic pets like rats, pythons, iguanas and the like, so yeah, better to know before you go.
And that’s just a drop in the bucket when it comes to dating sites. I don’t know, call me old fashioned, but there is something about the idea of looking for love online that doesn’t appeal to me. I would rather meet someone at the library or walking on the beach. Not that I don’t know some folks who have hooked up online with great results. I do. Lucky for me I don’t have to think about it. I’ve got my mate. But I’m glad that there are sites for everyone else out there–farmers, cowboys, pet lovers, seniors, who ever you are or who ever you want. Oh and sea captains. Yup, shiver me timbers, there’s a site for sea captains too! Just in case you’re in the market.