Sometimes I want to steal other women’s purses. I know!– you’re thinking WTH or WTF? (depending on how comfortable you are with profanity.) That’s a disturbing confession. Let me explain.
I don’t want to steal anybody’s money, credit cards, identity or lipstick. I just want to steal their purses. I like pretty purses. Who doesn’t? Considering I have about as much fashion sense as a kindergartner– a male kindergartner–this predilection for purses is, admittedly, a little unusual. But I do like purses. I’m kinda like CoCo Chanel that way.
The thing that saves me from getting bonked over the head, shot or arrested for trying to steal other women’s purses, is that I like my purses small. Very small. Plus I’m a law abiding citizen…and a coward.
Big purses give me a kink in my neck that is a real pain in the a$$. So over the years, as I’ve weaned myself off of chiropractic care, I have managed to reduce the size of my purses and their contents to the point where I could actually ditch them altogether and just wear jackets with big pockets. But I don’t like those. I like purses. So I carry teeny weeny ones. I’ve actually had other women mock me for the teeny weenyness of my purses. Nasty women.
And, since the average American female schleps around with a hand bag the size of a kindergartner–a male kindergartner–hanging on them, I don’t see many purses that would be worth stealing considering the delicate anatomy of my cervical spine and all. Those broads must have hellacious chiropractor bills. HA! Whose laughing now Ladies???
The nice thing about everyone else carrying giant purses, is that I can rely on you guys to carry my wallet and keys for me when I don’t feel like wearing one of my own mini me bags. It’s really convenient. Until I want my stuff and you have to safely remove your Thanksgiving Turkey sized purse off your stooped and blistered shoulders without incurring serious injury. It helps to be a competitive weight lifter.
Removing bags of this size and girth is dangerous business. To accomplish this safely you must bend your knees deeply, drop forward from your hips–not your waist–then, keeping your spine straight and aligned, swivel the shoulder which is supporting the bag towards the ground with your arm fully extended downwards, and let the purse slide gracefully off using your arm as a chute. And whatever you do, do not let the purse strings get tangled around your elbow or wrist in the process so that the weight dangles at the end of this most important upper appendage for any length of time, unless you don’t mind having one arm longer than the other. Once the purse is released, place it on the floor or another acceptably stable weight bearing surface, at which time you can shuffle through seven or eight years worth of cash receipts, dubious clearance cosmetic purchases, wadded up kleenex, phones, hair brushes and accessories, vitamins, linty chewing gum and mints, photographs of the kids who were born before cell phone cameras were invented, your wallet and keys and numerous indistinguishable items to find my wallet and keys for me.
Then you’ve got to get that bag o sh!t back on your shoulder safely again. Sorry ladies, I got my stuff back so you’re on your own. I’m the crazy and eccentric teeny weeny purse lady. It’s not my problem. But if you like, I can share contact info with you for a really good chiropractor.
©2016 by Ilona Elliott
*Purse display photo credit: Wendy Longo photography <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/7228825@N05/467584441″>Shop-aholic</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a>