Rainy Day Writing

Writing, Reading, Inspirations and Aspirations

I Rant Help Myself: Soft Close Toilet Seats


We have a brand new toilet in our house! Whooeey look at us! That makes two working toilets. One for each human. I think the dog is jealous.

Of course we still only have two  accessible toilets on the days when the dog is not sprawled out in front of one of them, making it impossible to approach from the proper angle. Ladies, have you ever tried sitting sideways to use the toilet? You would think with our wider hips it might be an advantageous angle but it just isn’t. Too close to the edge where it really matters is what I’ve discovered.

But now we have a free toilet most of the time. No sideways sitting. No trying to slide the dog gently out of the way with your foot and straining your psoas and piriformis muscles in one fell swoop because the dog is just too fat for your 58 year old girly-girl leg to handle.

Now I can just walk right in and sit right down. Just like that.  There are still some challenges for a multi-tasker like me though. Like did you know it’s impossible to pee and tie your shoes simultaneously? Unless you are a bona fide yoga queen who can pull her foot to her face and count the hairs on her toes, which I am not. I’m far sighted you see. I lean over to put the shoes on. Something about leaning forward and touching your toes while seated on the toilet is just so anatomically incorrect as to impede the multi tasking bathroom routine completely

I know this because every morning the dog and the old  man wait out in the driveway for me to brush my teeth, pee and put on my shoes before we commence with the AM walk. They never sit quietly staring at the TV like they’ve been doing for the last two hours. They walk out the door and wait quietly in the driveway staring at the bathroom window until I emerge in all my fresh and focused ready-for-the-day morning glory. I’m telling you the pressure these guys put on me sometimes is wicked.  So I have tried in vain to get those shoes on while performing on the loo but it’s a one man show. You can lean over and put your shoes on or you can relieve yourself but you can’t do both.

All this just to say how much I’m enjoying the second toilet. With one exception. The soft close lid. It came with the new toilet. I had bought one a few years back when we replaced the bone colored toilet in the existing bathroom. Who are the ad wizards who came up with bone bathroom fixtures anyways? But I digress. The soft close seat cost like 30 or 40 bucks online, and was an accessory to the equally expensive ToTo toilet, but the thought of a soundless soft landing for the seat and cover intrigued me. And it worked fine. Kind of like a controlled swan dive in slow motion and nothing like the rough mallard duck trying to land crash landing of a conventional toilet seat. However,  the person who designed that thing has never cleaned a toilet seat in their life. Had to be a man. It is a bear to clean. It’s got more crud collecting cracks and crevices than a block of NYC sidewalk. UGH! And now I have two of them. One for each toilet. Great!

So here’s what I really want to say about this: Men, if you design house hold items that you have never in your life cleaned or maintained, please seek feedback from someone who has and will before sending it off to manufacturing and marketing. There just aren’t enough hours in the day to accommodate my cleaning a toilet seat with  handfuls of bleach soaked cotton swabs.

©2016 Ilona Elliott

The Author (on the right)

The Author (on the right)





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